Science, Magic and a dash of Ninja

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

not enough, not enough yet...

so weak.

those who know me would not agree; I would hear statements of suprise and opposite encouragement. it is 3:52 am, and i've had 8 Killian's Red and a buttery nipple. On top of being ill-hydrated (ie: not enough water) from work. my bestest friend just did a physical feat that surpasses my own capability. I feel weak as a result to my own apparent weakness: by comparison. Weak as a result to my apprent inhibitions, something that i fell to, an unseen Beast that wreaked its havoc before i could react. I used to think that I had a high pain tolerance.

but by my comparison tonight, it seems to be on the same level as others'. my writing has not changed. i am reeling from tiredness: exhaustion, ripped flesh and sore muscles. I have not changed.

That saddens me....almost. whether i admit it or not. The tears, though stealthily admitted to the world, drier than a desert summer, though they are not shed not upon my face, rain bitterly: Nay, they Reign bitterly in the depths of that abyss that stretches to encompass my soul. that abyss whose creation i questions. Did i make it, or was it there before me?

Poetic stanzas not-withstanding; I feel weak after tonight, for the sole reason that I did not accomplish that which i set out to do. I failed. Who cares if I was inebriated, so was ataraxic. Though I far beyond he? Or were we the same? In my denial of shame, I would imagine that we were the same, that my over-abundance of alcohol and his slight, his inconspicuous venture unto the realm of constricted blood vessels, had the same effect. To imagine that 8 beers and a shot to a 180 lb man, and one guiness and two shots(? possibly one, can't remember, think it was two) to a 150lb man (is that his weight? I don't know) have the same ill-adjusting effect might be stretching the imagination.

that sentence took too long to write. mintues went by in the making. have i changed?

my feet burn through the floor. my sight sees that which isn't seen: seen as defined by generality. i sometimes want to cry, but don't. haven't since i was 11. then the feeling leaves.

i type too much. (talk too much?)

i worry too much of what others think. (I am too apathetic towards social interractions? man can't live alone. I don't want to live alone. I will not live alone. doubt ensues. outside affirmation seems to be, has been, the only source of encouragement, of establishment.

am i weak?

i was weak. tonight.

i grow stronger tommorow.

i smile, and now i sleep. to dream!

(it is 4:12 am. so long.)


2 Comments:

At December 8, 2004 at 10:44 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Face! And other face!!!

 
At December 16, 2004 at 5:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you had more to drink than me, definitely... i only had the one Guinness and two shots... what i don't know, is if it made you more or less inhibited by pain... try again, but sober!!

(i did more pain meditation again, and i managed to bench 200 thrice last night!!)

 

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