Science, Magic and a dash of Ninja

Friday, December 31, 2004

its a wicked world that we live in

its sick, and its cruel!

Every news site i can find online concerning the tsunami, from my point of view, have taken it (the news of it) in the wrong direction. Every site seems concerned about how EXPENSIVE and how this is the MOST COSTLIEST disaster to date. I about shit my pants. WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT MONEY?!?! Following that statement is more about how you can send money to help, about how others (governments, celebreties etc) are donating massive funds. WTF? Not a peep on how this money is helping, or who its going to, or who is using it. Not a word on how you can go there and lend your two hands in helping out. I'm sure 350m$ sounds like a lot, but if you only have a few thousand people helping out the millions that got wet, then that money doesn't do jack compared to swelling the ranks of the helping hands.

Whats worse is the way deaths are being portrayed as almost nonexistant, and secondary to the costliness of the damage! I mean, not only have news sources slowly trickled out the numbers, the only numbers they are using are what has been "officially" stated. Which means bodies found. So far its at like 125K people dead, and from just looking at the population of the coastal cities of the countries that have been hit, I seriously figure the total to be at close to half a million, probably more. But its like they've been trying to downplay this whole thing, then let it slowly build, then ask for your money. Which is like asking a nation of hungry people for food to aid a starving nation on the other side of the planet.


Look, if someone wants to fly me over there, I'd be the first person on board a plane to go help out with my two hands, because that's the best way I can help. I have no $$ to begin with, and i do not plan on sending away my breakfast so that some other suddenly houseless human can eat it. That would just be two mostly hungry people, instead of just one. What i mean is that I'm not going to spread myself so thin as to try and support myself here, and try and support a disaster zone. Thats like having someone walk up to me and say "Dude, someone shot myself in the foot! you should shoot your foot to, because itll help me!"

I am now going to go look up to see if it is possible for someone under incarceration to aid in a disaster effort. I doubt it. Don't want a thief to go and steal some half-drowned person's shorts! Oh no! Half naked wet people!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

and he vanished in a puff of logic


right about it again, tho whether she wins or they win or whatever. ___ wins again!

some might be concerned about a continuing un-attachment with the rest of the world, and even i am slightly saddened by it. I mean, a part of me would like to have a girlfriend, to goto college, and in 6 months move to california and work at a new and upcoming mecha company and make giant robots.

though there was a bit of sadness, there has been no regret. Well, admittedly some parts could have been a bit smoother, and ill remember that for the future. My path leads not in that direction. Alone, as i have gotten used to, but with a friend, and that takes a part of the loneliness away. In the parting i have wished that i could have that happiness that those around me have. But it is not for me.

They don't make you tough so that you can wander through a field of flowers. Nah, gotta use myself to my full potential. Its ok. I was very happy before, and those memories stay with me as i push on ahead, as i wade through deep waters. I have a LOT of work to do.

but i've started. and thats one of the biggest parts.

Monday, December 27, 2004

roll with those changes in that fancy speedwagon

man, I had a wonderful christmas with my family. I cherished every moment!

I'm being watched, I think. The dude who bought my gift card to walmart online hasn't responded to my email, and I wonder if its because someone bought it just to make sure it's real. Makes no sense to me, the last time i sold them on ebay they were real. Just because i got them illegally doesn't mean i was trying to rip off some poor soul. oh well! that was along time ago, pre-house arrest. And the dude who "sold" me those 3 lbs of thermite i needed for that welding art project totally stiffed me my product. Lousy ass face. Oh well, that also made me think it wasn't real. Bah. Who cares? They may know some, but they don't know all. Or do they? Who cares! HAHAHA!

back to reality, I no longer give a poo about women. I'll always love having friends, but i give up on anything else entirely.

I had a nigh perfect one, and I fucked that shit up royally. Final Solution: release that part of my life. Girls like that are probably born once every hundred years or so. Knowing my luck, probably once every thousand. But thats ok, because I can take my licks. Its like falling off a balance beam. Once you break your damn arm, you real wary of going near it for a while. And im tougher n nails, and besides, im used to that emptyness there.

As for distractions, I enjoy some, but those are losing their....value as well. I like some, but I find myself actually participating in the things i thought id never get around to doing. Like excersizing, and playing violin.

as for meaningless drivel no one cares to read anymore, im still good at that.

Ninjas and gadgets, girls galore!
Welcome to the Peter Store!
With mondays on aisle three
no pricetags here, but nothings free!
From chocolate to basketball
and karate and shopping malls
hard learned lessons abound
and catchy tunes are found
with physics and wooden blocks
near used shoes and naked clocks
others stories' by the thousands!
and all types of different trousers,
famous voices, places, things
almost no jewelry though, even rings.
there is room for more, here for everything
it can hold the world, and bigger things

or whatever :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

come on

ok, everyone call me Alice from now on.

because, obviously giving myself good advice means NOTHING.

(...the only reason im going to live so long is because its going to take me forever to change...)

...and what the fuck am i doing awake? its like 10 am and ive been up for an HOUR. TOO LONG!!! im going back to sleep before i do anything worse. at least i have this wonderful guilty gear XX music to solace me in my stupidity.

SHEEEEEEZ!!!!! was looking so nice too! Well i won't give up! Never Give Up, Never Surrender! ARRR MATEY! AVAST, YE SCURVY DOG! SLAP ME NOW, ARRRR!

cable & deadpool

nick and i, rofl, maybe.

i think we have these personal ideas of what superpowers would be like, so that either this comic would definitely grab our attention, or the other way around; we somehow influenced its story. But one thing is for certain. I totally love the story so far (ive only got the first 9 issues). and that means that i feel much like nick feels, that this dream of Cable's (in the comic) is much like my dream. a dream apparently a lot of people share.

but i find that when i try to share the parts that i actually really identify with, that it really isn't a common dream. All i have heard as of yet is that people want happiness. but they havent decided what that is, like they are struggling while they think about it. Most people i know of just think about money. others, sex. still more have a lust for power. but the way in which they describe how they would want their happiness, all of them thus far, describe it in a way that supports the current social structure, the current hardships n woes, the current fringes crushing the middle (as they describe it in yon book).

its much like a human body, as we have been taught in school. The cells do their job to keep the body alive, but eventually die and get replaced, and eventually (as ive been told) get weaker and weaker every time they come around. Instead of figuring out a way to keep the body alive without dying; ie by growing stronger.

which kind of leads me to a question that nick posed (sort of) before. Death is a part of Life, of course. So to stop Death would be to stop the Process, the ongoing change of Life, of this world, of "reality" so far. I wouldn't do it, jsut like i wouldn't force anything upon anyone, just give them options. I personally DON'T want to live forever. Ugh. I only want to live until i am done. At least, Here that is. I'll move on to the Next Step when im done here. And i only used that stuff in the last analogy because A) I feel that people only die when they choose to (regardless of whether they think someone else chooses it for them) B) to show how parts of a system that do not move to change said system, only keep it alive for that much longer.

sniff sniff, and my poker lesson tonight better stick with me. There is the Right, the Wrong, and the Question. And Faith, i guess, to match questions. No. There are 3 of Them. I'm not sure exactly what their names are, but I call them Creative, Nothingness, and Movement. I'd marry Movement in a heartbeat. Nothingness could also be called Destructive. There is the Face, the Smile and the Frown, and the movement inbetween them. There are a million names for them, (Forms as good ol plato would call em, cept not really), at least, thats how i feel so far.

mmm,i feel like crying n laughing n sleeping n dreaming all at the same time. God, I've never wanted to be with her more than before this moment (so far). Just to hold. to be held.

To see her face.

I find it kinda funny that i can sorta imagine what she looks like, i see the hair n the body and such generality of shape, but no real details. not yet. I look forward to being moved by emotion when i see her for the first time.


PS: anyone know who "whitetiger4474" is on AIM? this person thoughtfully sent me a message of "haha youve been dumped" earlier today. DUH!!! Jeeeeez, get with the program Mysterious Stranger! I did something horribly bad, what, you expected that NOT to happen? And where have you been, in a cave? That was like 2 months (1 1/2 months?) ago!!

i have a sneaking suspicion it is corinne's little sister, only because the name seems slightly familiar for some reason, and its written like something she would write, and i wonder if she would have known before now. oh well. if anyone knows, let me know, s'il vous plait. Nighty Night!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

a tribute

this is a short story i wrote for a friend, for no reason other than that it was fun, and i liked it so much i thought id put it here. I find it ironically funny that i wrote in a kurt vonnegut-esque fashion, at least, as his sci-fi writing counterpart in his books would write a story.

The Planet of Statues

On a distant planet, in the MudPuddle system, there was a large population of Clay people, and their planet was dotted with magnificent statues. At night, clay-people parents would tuck in their clay-children and tell stories of how the Legendary Statues were really ancient people that were born with such magnificent greatness, and this greatness would become a fire, and harden their soft, malleable bodies into statues that would last until the End of Time! And these clay-children would grow up, and tell their children the same story, and on and on the stories were passed down through the generations. But then some clay-scientists found a way to generate this Great Fire artificically, and the first thing they did was made molds of the Legendary Statues of old. Now common, everyday people, could become copies of the Legends from long ago! At first the molds were crude, but very quickly they became perfect, and everyone on the planet quickly lined up to change themselves into their favorite hero. Soon clay-parents were telling their clay-children of how they could grow up to be any Legend they wanted! Many ages passed, and no new statues were made, the hordes of clay-people constantly clamoring to be made into copies of the once Legendary Statues. But the originals were now lost among the sea of artificial doppelgangers, and the awe and beauty they once held in their unique splendor was diluted to common acknowledgement. To not be a copy was unheard of, and the control of the planet quickly fell from the hands of the Mold Makers into oblivion, as the last clay-person traded his infinite possibilities to become a final monument to this mockery of Choice and Creativity.

Hope you liked it!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

LL to comics, distractions galore!

why are there so many distractions? why do i succumb to them? They are not what i want to do, but they are what i end up doing. From scratching to videogames, to pure lazyness.

im ust learn to accept other routes besides the extreme measures i would prefer to tread. i have no access to the fantastic ways in which i would work out. so i must work out here, now.

my cock is a stupid distraction, and it has gotten me into trouble TWICE already. once when robbing a condo. the second with cheating on a perfect girlfriend.

Stupid penis.

i dont care if i DID just take a shower. i shouldn't have taken it in the first place. im going to work out now. im going to do pushups until my arms break. im going to do situps until i cant breathe. because the fucking law is between me and the way id choose to live my life. I want to join On the Edge gym. I want to join a gymnastics class. I want to work out, everyday. For hours on end. That is the way id choose to live my life. if i felt like arguing with cops everyday. Thatd be one workout by itself.


the dude on homegymnastics is calling himself wade wilson. heh.

i like deadpool.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Oi! (vey!!)

i don't think i posted this i guess i'll write about it now. I THOUGHT I did before, but we all know my memory! Like swiss cheese!

anywho, I msg'd a (at least i thought of her as a friend) ex-g of mine on her birthday and said "happy b-day". (this being the girlfriend i lied to, and because of reason's only i felt was right, dropped like a hot tamale and made it worse for, maybe ill post about that later on.) Anywho, her quick and short reply was "mother fucker like you give a shit".

Now, im not one to normally care about statements like this, but this was the last straw, in my opinion.

I am officially done with even communicating with ex-girlfriends. Except possibly megan, at least we still get along, even though I haven't seen her in a dog's age. I know i may seem like some twisted psychopath hellbent on torturing the world to tears, but In my eyes, I'm only trying to be nice. But i know when im not wanted, LOL, so theres no way i'll continue this anymore.

on top of that she IMd me telling me she still has my spiderman watch, which i gave to her ages ago so her mom could put the right size batteries in it for me. I had totally forgotten about it. Now i think ill just have her mail it to me, as im afraid if she sees me in person she might try to shoot me or something, and i have no health insurance for that kind of thing. Yelling i have no problem with. But i simply do not keep company of people who abhorrently hate me, and yell at me when im trying to be nice. Even if I AM the soul reason for it, if i've already forgiven myself for it, theres no need to put myself through anymore.

as for WHY i was that way.....I was horny and she wasn't around. DAMN i'm horrible! Oh well! she said she'd get over it one day, except she'll probably hate me for the rest of my life, which is what i was told would happen, and it DID happen, because i acted like every other guy. Which is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY unlike myself. weird, right? thats the last nail in that coffin.

maybe thats why i like deadpool so much. except for the killing of people. still dont like that part. if theres any super hero i can actually relate to, its him. I mean, i look up to Spiderman, but i can relate to deadpool. on so many levels.

some old biddy and some hot lookin 30ish woman came by the apartment this morning and invited me to come to church. I think ill go to Josh's church on christmas eve, but other than that, who knows? they said they had a college age group. That might be cool. who knows.

im done.


Saturday, December 11, 2004

weight gain

ahhhhh....tho i might need of a seamstress, for some final products, what i have now is nice. cept, i feel i need more weight.

congratulations, me. I have gained 60 pounds. id gain 80, but im trying to figure out where to put the other 20 right now. ill wait! lol!

Friday, December 10, 2004

versus modus operandi

a triad under manned; absurd!
there are two; where is the third?
A hero i see, or so he believes
a villain i see, hopelessly bleeds;
but who is not here?
the third facet, i fear
has gone missing; gone,
night to noon, less dawn.
Jump! Fly! Search the winds,
and find the lost hymns
turn over, turn naught
the battle is fought,
and cry you to sleep
ye who make no peep
thar be dragons 'round
and pirates abound!
so keep your head down
at least you'll just drown.

~le moi

sounded right to me when i was writing it. (righting it? assuming a muse-based inspiration needs to be righted.)

the only problem with this work schedule is my internal clock is on owl time. and i won't go outside and excersize, nor will i play guitar or violin bc everyone else is sleeping deeply.

so i shall join them.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

not enough, not enough yet...

so weak.

those who know me would not agree; I would hear statements of suprise and opposite encouragement. it is 3:52 am, and i've had 8 Killian's Red and a buttery nipple. On top of being ill-hydrated (ie: not enough water) from work. my bestest friend just did a physical feat that surpasses my own capability. I feel weak as a result to my own apparent weakness: by comparison. Weak as a result to my apprent inhibitions, something that i fell to, an unseen Beast that wreaked its havoc before i could react. I used to think that I had a high pain tolerance.

but by my comparison tonight, it seems to be on the same level as others'. my writing has not changed. i am reeling from tiredness: exhaustion, ripped flesh and sore muscles. I have not changed.

That saddens me....almost. whether i admit it or not. The tears, though stealthily admitted to the world, drier than a desert summer, though they are not shed not upon my face, rain bitterly: Nay, they Reign bitterly in the depths of that abyss that stretches to encompass my soul. that abyss whose creation i questions. Did i make it, or was it there before me?

Poetic stanzas not-withstanding; I feel weak after tonight, for the sole reason that I did not accomplish that which i set out to do. I failed. Who cares if I was inebriated, so was ataraxic. Though I far beyond he? Or were we the same? In my denial of shame, I would imagine that we were the same, that my over-abundance of alcohol and his slight, his inconspicuous venture unto the realm of constricted blood vessels, had the same effect. To imagine that 8 beers and a shot to a 180 lb man, and one guiness and two shots(? possibly one, can't remember, think it was two) to a 150lb man (is that his weight? I don't know) have the same ill-adjusting effect might be stretching the imagination.

that sentence took too long to write. mintues went by in the making. have i changed?

my feet burn through the floor. my sight sees that which isn't seen: seen as defined by generality. i sometimes want to cry, but don't. haven't since i was 11. then the feeling leaves.

i type too much. (talk too much?)

i worry too much of what others think. (I am too apathetic towards social interractions? man can't live alone. I don't want to live alone. I will not live alone. doubt ensues. outside affirmation seems to be, has been, the only source of encouragement, of establishment.

am i weak?

i was weak. tonight.

i grow stronger tommorow.

i smile, and now i sleep. to dream!

(it is 4:12 am. so long.)

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Rebirth: Ungirthification

not sure if thats a word, but its not like anyone reads this anyways.

As I do not have enough money to buy a motorcycle, I am going back to bicycling. Goldenboy again. Dang its cold outside for this. weeeeeeeeeeee!

too bad work is an HOURS RIDE away. Unless I manage to catch the bus or something.

Friday, December 03, 2004

hooray for filets!

so you see, i found this online genie. but he doesn't type too well, ya know, being a being from long ago and not too acquainted with modern day technology. So i got a sea bass, a large trout and a halibut. oh well.

so i was perusing old posts and read this one Here and i liked Nick's comment about my awesome! Speaking of which, I had another AGAIN this morning after i woke up. 3rd day in a row, i think. I remember my first night's dream, but not the last two. Bummer too, because i remember them being pretty cool.

watched a ridiculous brigitte nielsen movie called "Galaxis". Wanted to get Red Sonja, but ya know, 5$ vs 10$. Cheapness won out. weeeeeeeeeeeee!

head spinning sort of, kinda tired but not really, but i should sleep now so i dont sleep all day tommorow. But i want to read more of Entanglement!

Arrr matey! There aint no heaven fer sissies, and there aint no hell for heroes! Avast!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

secondhand grave

ugh, had a random nosebleed again yesterday, and what happens today? I wake up, cough, and poof, instant iron taste in my mouth. Blood tastes....gross. unappetizing. Don't know how those vampires do it.

anywho, made a cool new friend on myspace. not often one finds someone who likes the same books as me, and music, and plays videogames. Too bad shes slow on the reply, or we might actually get a conversation going. oh well. i also realize i have a warped sense of time sometimes, so it might actually not really have been much time at all!

heh, i just read this thingy on how you know you grew up in the 80's.....not one mention of Transformers. not a one! Thats what MY life revolved around as a kid, getting transformers, playing with them, watching the cartoon. well that and imagining and planning my adventure for later on in life. I was all about that as a kid, heck, i even started writing a story about it. had some lameass title called "the journey" until i realized there was too many things with that name already. i mean, come on, i was like 8 when i started writing it. The earliest i can remember thinking about adventures was when i was 5 (4ish?) kindergarten and then on. weeeeeeeeeeeeee! I digress a lot!

must go eat breakfast. fruity pebbles, here i come!