Science, Magic and a dash of Ninja

Thursday, November 25, 2004

we are the mischief makers, we are the destroyers of dreams

a tattoo? but of what? I'd love one if i could find a design i like.

ddr is a good at home excersize. I just spelled that wrong! yay!

whew.....(deep breath)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

the path less traveled by?

One wonders at the meaning of such a statement, at such a meaning to that poem. A path less traveled by, does that mean by people like me, or by people in general? One would have to have a pretty wide scope of humanity to gather that meaning.

In my most recent (as of this post) experience, it was the final of a path along the path of the Darkside. Along the path possibly, one in the "Light" would consider not necessary, but there are some things that must be experienced, and others, not. This last one was one that was not necessary. In part. It was merely a repeat, a ditto of a past experience. It was the duplication that should not have been necessary, one would think. But the first time, it was just that: a first experience. All judgements and decisions were only based off of one time. Therefore one would think that an affirmation of a previous thought would be enought to quench a curiosity.

Though i realize now that this is not a sequel, but a third in a series, to a degree. It was only my failure, as i see it, to make the proper decision with the second one(incident) that brought another situation of the same magnitude around! But in finality, it is the results that matter, not the details of the repeated scenario. This time around, it IS final. I say this not to anyone else, but to myself. An affirmation. A decision. An end. (this is the shift from the need to have experience, to a state of being with more Faith (in oneself, or what have you). I realize now that was my mistake in the beginning, all those years ago. Lack of faith. The experience, though it could be argued as not a Total loss, was still possibly not necessary. More risk lies with Abstinance, as i have learned, than with apparent risk. I am glad to have learned this, and move on.

The darkside is gone. It has totally been nullified. (outside of the memory of the experience. I am not sure where that falls, as still a part of me that is dark, as if the past is still present, or if memory in itself is separate from sides, separate from being either light or dark. Or more likely, a part of me, and therefore, subject to my decisions, ie, subject to how i choose to be, as they are my memories, and thefore part of me.)

That path has gone, i recognize it as a memory, but i have recognized the need to move on.

There are those few who i will share this with (outside of the vagueness, that is). Both are a part of me. And i feel that both of you know who you are. (Though i doubt one of them is reading this)


the past sleeps, i remember my dreams as if i was awake, i live. I am the future. I am now.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

heed thy call, oh ye great dragon

the cycle returns...it seems to have, actually...i wonder if my hint system has slowly been turning off, or if i've been slowly backing away. I did something terrible, but necessary. The lying wasn't necessary. The Cold Turkey was.

metroid prime 2 is a good game. i like it.

i slowly heal. my skin that is. I remember my mistakes.

what word is the opposite of mistake? I remember those too.

i will go play violin now, because i do.

after a long talk/discovery i had with my brother/Nick, the largest temptations are now among the smallest. I shall do my best to grow. To learn.

I have had my fun time, and i abused it. Sex is not meaningless, but ill leave it for now. Scratching is the only itch that remains, and it dies off as well. I shed. Humanoid must not escape.

I want to scream "Where is she!?", and at the same time, i want to pretend that it is ok, that i can wait. I am ok, though i do dream. Complacent but moving. Ninja.

wow, a few hours since i started this post, my dad came over and hung out with me for a bit. We pretty much had the same talk that wally had with me, about my independence pretty much. i wont get into details, but lets just say that both of them expressed very deeply that they feel i am making the wrong decision about (insert what you know here), and disagree with me about personal responsibility (as far as having power over other people, my dad thinks that people do have power over other people, i say not. My brother says i should care what other people think, i say people should care about what they think.)

keep in mind both of these conversations didn't happen at once. they were a week or 2 apart. Anywho, my dad also found it necessary to warn me about my "power" of persuasion, my charisma, said that people could follow me and get hurt if I go the wrong way, and he knows i wouldn't ever hurt anyone on purpose. He's right of course, i don't want ot hurt people, but i say that he should go warn all the people, not me! LOL

im still on the plan.

Though, after the discussion me and Nick had the other day about what our futures may hold, i found a small affirmation with what my dad had to say. I've been thinking since then that im going to watch myself, pay attention to growing and learning as much as i can (safely, hehe) and the fact that my dad figured i should watch out, or I might endanger other people, i think he had the right idea in affirming what i felt, just didn't have the right details for it (he figured that my charisma was potentially dangerous if i didn't watch myself...I figure you know what will be really dangerous if I don't learn good self discipline. Hehe. :)


Thursday, November 04, 2004

ahhhhhhhhhh....sleeeep

well, turned 21 today, and needless to say, i got completely hammered last nite! Whew. was careful to drink lots of water, so i have no aftereffects, cept for a tender tummy and im sleepy :)

only got 4 kisses so far, gotta get another 17! Nice to know the shirt still works (to those of you in the unknowingness, when i was 18 i made a shirt that said "kiss me im 18" on the front and "i <3 girls" on the back, cept its really a heart. I made one for this birthday, cept it said 21 on the front, and after the i heart girls part, i added "sit on my face!!" for the sheer silliness :)

anywho, today is chill day! Thanks to my buddies who came and hung out with me, especially my bro nick! Lol.....man, were gonna be telling stories about last nite for years!

peacezorz!