Science, Magic and a dash of Ninja

Friday, July 23, 2004

oh yeah

a trade, i remember now. Ok.

And no, going where no one else is doesn't work, nor does ignorance. Pushing is a Fear based act, or sometimes Greed (i have trouble finding which one is first) and therefor needs to be countered with the appropriate opposite. Love comes to mind, but thats another bunch of paragraphs.

questions and answers are opposites; answers being statements. So you can state something with an answer, but a question is like an empty statement. It tries to say everything except the intended point. You can say almost the same thing with either one, but a statement is the one that has any meat to it. Watch jeopardy for fun stuff.

am....relaxed.

was angry/blah but i calmed down.

it is almost as if What Is Important is so far away that a path leading to it is hard to make out. So far away that its not anywhere in sight, except in my head. Things in your head tend to be so close they are out of reach, or maybe so far away that you can only summon them to you from within. a dvd just fell on me.

i was given a glance of what some people would call "power" the other day. It beckoned to me, but then i quickly spat it out. Sure looked good though, but I don't have any real idea of what it is, as I have never had a position like such. Ive dreamed it, sure, but not in my waking hours have i held a scepter.

i had what i would (before i had it) have called a nightmare the other night, well as close as i could imagine one: I was on a very tiny boat (we are talking like 2 people on a 1 person sailing thingy) in the middle of a storm-tossed ocean, being flipped over continuously and going underwater a lot. With something very large swimming around. Before this very idea creeped me out, sent chills up my spine, that type of thing. But in my dream, there wasn't a hint of anything like that. I just kept righting my boat and going on, regardless of the giant demented looking whale/leviathan that was right there. No fear.

not a drop, and after i woke, i found that odd. I was sure that I was afraid of sea monsters. Apparently not.

I know that one thing i really do not want is to be....bad. Evil. a villain so to speak. but its not something im afraid of, because I make decisions... the dunkin donuts box with trash in it just fell. the same box that has been sitting there for a few days. thats weird.

i have dreams. huge dreams! and its hard to tell whether they are in the making or if i just see things that way. Aren't those the same though? oops, a question. dammit.

i had a dream where i was told that my time had come, i was made president, got a girl who was to be my wife, and i was supposed to save everyone from something, and before i woke up the only thing i did was save my chick from being blasted by a dragon, from what i remember. i remember feeling really weirdish about suddenly being in a position of authority and importance like that. I was trying to find ways to use this new stuff towards the goal i was supposed to achieve.

ive also done magic, gained superpowers, felt the presence of a goddess, became a sea-person, worked in a slave mine, visited places such as a people that lived around this enormous river and their boats, underwater bases of some sort, the alternate Here, a giant white castle, have taken down a giant skeleton (with no weapon), destroyed lots of spiders, massacred a mob of zombies, some random bad guys, i have played guitar, i have done my homework, have failed to run faster or be stronger than i am when awake, been unable to move, or to speak, have been in a car wreck, done a large amount of women, been lucidly aware of almost all of these, but very rarely been able to change things at will, once i stuck to a wall like spiderman but i had to concentrate really hard, and a variety of other things, places, events and people.

I feel that I have done more in my dreams than I have so far in life. Much more. and i have felt stronger emotions in my dreams than i have when i've been awake.

so i seek a place where my dreams come true. Or at least, a way to make them happen here.

but we knew this already.

"grass is always greener" bah. i don't belong here, i don't think, but i'll damn do my best while im here.

here are some poems i rescued from my deadjournal:

A Djinn granted a wish
to a weary traveler
The man asked how to fish
so as to be fulfilled.
He wanted not a dish
to fill his empty belly,
But yearned to find his niche
inside this empty world.
The Djinn said only this:
to that weary traveler,
"The essence of your bliss
is made only in yourself"
--
Sever the lever
the umbilical umbrella
push the pull door
and walk on the grass

Called in to sick leave
sat down in a crowd
saw the game stay the same
changed lanes in rain
avoided controversy
to sleep on a cloud.
---

Often how sand, water and sky
happen to squeeze their way into the juice
That's half a glass of self-indulgence
(The other half's a noose)
What is it? (getting drunk)
Can I do it? (I am drunk)
I can do it! (drunker still)

---
Three halves of a whole

A day not too far in the past,
a happy time i thought would last,
was slowly brought to an end,
by someone with the face of a friend.
Together we shared many smiles,
we passed many minutes, hours, miles.
But as we went on down the road,
a separation started to show.
Our lives, which seemed to be one
diverged, split off, that life was done.

Weapons drawn, it's too late to back down
I watch a stance set to hold the most ground.
I step and strike where there is no gaurd,
the outside giving way, more soft than hard.
Blow after blow, i attack with great speed,
then the lack of defense causes me to take heed.
My opponent not moving since i had begun,
A large rock breaking plane, between earth and the sun.

An explosion, unexpected, the attack came so fast!
I lost count of the hits before the moment had passed,
dodging and countering, blows given; received,
the strength of my enemy i could not beleive.
The earth shakes as we grapple, dust chokes the air
the wind whipping round like we weren't even there.
Our cries and shouts soon drowned out by thunder,
the battle, the storm, pressure buckles me under.
Torrents of rain wash off the sweat and the blood,
my offense, turned defense, face down in the mud.

Which is the villain and which is the foe?
what causes two forces to come to blows?
two faces appear here,
(opposing indeed),
two faces that are so easy to read:
twins they seem,
(both poured from one chalice)
one wears a sad smile,
one dripping with malice.
which one am I? Who's face do i wear?
the truth is an answer
(im unwilling to bear.)

pain and worse screaming, through my body it flows
down but not out, bleeding mud out my nose.
a voice rings out, inviting my ear
and this is said, crisp and clear:

welcome to the fringe
of where the days unite
with the graying tinge
of the coming night.
dark sins of the flesh
boils the blood dry
wounds new and fresh
seeping bile they cry.

then the image is shattered, the mirror a hole
with the false innocence that blinded my soul.
the sword bleeding lust, crying not pain
but echoes of cravings, songs of the vain!
drowned in revulsion, sick with this sight
confusion infectious and blocking the light.

my mind crashes back into my body with force
carrying a decision to give this fight a new course.
i smile, look up, he looms over me still
almost broken my body, but never my will!

Every skill and technique that i've ever learned
i use in full force, the tide has now turned.
the line separating cold fury, cool head
the same that lies twixt the living and dead,
is the hardest path to walk without loss
unfortunately, its too easy to cross.
I sense victory close, i grow ever stronger
i dont want this fierce battle to last any longer.
Blazing forth, all a blur, my mind growing numb
my body moving unbidden before the thoughts even come.

I wake from my haze, my senses returning.
Difficult to keep standing, freezing and burning
my focus lies still on the ground at my feet
the taste of winning more bitter than sweet.
The broken form with the a face now long lost
i question if the fight was worth the high cost.
I hang my head, and let the heavy tears flow
the salt stings my wounds, but i let them go.
the quiet creeps in, bringing the night
the rain, wind and thunder, gone with the fight.
I fought hard, but i fear ive been sorely misled.
i defeated evil and things that cannot be said
but those lusts of the flesh wore a face that was mine
and the voice in my head mimicked me to the line

so, does me still alive mean that he can return?
will the wounds ever heal, or will they still burn?
stone cold and icy, ive lost all emotion
no faith in myself, lost in the ocean
now floating around, awaiting salvation
i wonder even at that reputed equation:
does it come from without, or come from within?
where do i look for a hand to reel me in?

a wave took me under, i sputtered a cough
It was then He picked me up and dried me off,
gave me a hug, said it was bout time to go
said lets walk this way, theres a place that i know.
and please, He said, stick close this time?
i don't like to go wading through brackish brine.

I smiled, He laughed, now this narraration
has brought us to my new situation.
And that would be, im happy to say
is nothing but enjoying this very nice day!


doo da doo. yepp, that was a trip down memory lane alright. i should write more.

1 Comments:

At July 26, 2004 at 2:15 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I wasn't saying you should be ingnorant of the pushing. I am saying that people are only effected by other people if they choose to be.

Not a good way of putting it.

More like, don't give them the satisfaction of a response. You know the idea I am trying to convey.

 

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